The diet is finally coming to an end, the last time I checked my weight I was about 5kg away from my goal weight, after this period I had friends visiting so I ate like I was going into hibernation (OK not really but it felt that way, since I hadn’t had pancakes, or pasta or pizza in like forever) I also didn’t exercise and as much as I tried to enjoy the food and vacation I often felt guilt creeping in. I wasn’t even eating junk food…
Then my scale stopped working and I had a mini panic attack.
I need to know my weight now!
OMG what if I already got fat from all this stuff I ate?
why did I have that slice of cake on my birthday? OMG what if I become fat… again.
The thoughts were haunting me. I took my scale to the store to get a replacement but I wasn’t able to since they no longer carried that brand (sign maybe). As I was on the bus home, I had a reality check “You’ve lost focus Sabirah… you’ve lost focus” I didn’t decide to lose weight so I could damage my self esteem. But slowly I had started the process
I got home and cried, because here I was 18kg (40 pounds) lighter than I was 6 months ago but attaching all these feelings of self worth to my body that I never had before. I kept having these thoughts, if I could just tone this then I’d be perfect, just a little more, almost there, people are going to be so shocked.
I lost focus.
The focus was to lose weight while maintaining a positive body image and a healthy body. Honey if your mind isn’t healthy then your body isn’t. Dieting and exercising are hard as is, the discipline necessary, the slow results and the cravings are a lot to deal with already let alone dealing with self esteem, body dysmorphia and a negative self-image.
So the past two weeks have been weeks of re evaluation, I need to self affirm, re-learn how to love my body, love it as I did 40pounds ago, and even more. Re learn that my existence and worth is so much more than this physical body and reducing it to that is an insult.
I’m not replacing the scale and I’m moving on to the next phase of my diet, starting to re introduce carbs. I’m also going back to the gym to continue exercising because it makes me so happy and it separates “vanity” and body image from actually feeling good about my body. I love feeling stronger.
I just wanted to share because I hardly ever see this side of the story and people only talk about the good stuff.
Here’s to healing our bodies, inside out.