Me: It’s our(my partner and I) anniversary tomorrow, 2years.
Simi: Oh wow, it’s been two years already? How has it been?
Simi: Oh, errr is that good?
Me: Yes, very good, in a weird way
Tough is probably not the most romantic way to describe a relationship but I was just being honest. It was one of those moments where I really considered the question and thought about it before I answered. My answer surprised even me, but as I’ve thought more about it, I’m sticking to it. Tough.
Some background is necessary here. In the past I’ve always been the “good” person (well except for that one time where I really fucked up). So yeah, I’ve always been the good girlfriend, playing my role, being supportive or whatever was needed. As a result I was always being apologized to, always doing the forgiving. And I should add that for those relationships, this worked.
I can be a pacifist. I detest confrontations and conflict and I’ll shy away from it as long as I can. Of course this isn’t always a good thing. Can lead to passive-aggressiveness, bottling up issues that need to be discussed and giving one a false sense of righteousness. So while this had previously been OK in my past relationship, it was a disaster for this one
I never learnt how to fight fair, because I was so used to avoiding confrontations, when they did roll around, I shut everything out. Picture this:
Him: Sabirah, you really shouldn’t have done that, it made me feel… and…. and…. I would prefer… in the future.
Me: OK, Sorry.
To me “Sorry” was the balm that fixed all, it made all the fighting stop (not really). Sorry allowed me to close up the topic and move on (or brood). I would feel I had done my part and expect all the negative energy to float away… and when they didn’t I would pout. Bring on Fight round two…
It just seemed like we were always fighting. A few times I found myself wondering, “…maybe we just aren’t meant for each other, is it really supposed to be this difficult?” I would cry and still not open up which I can imagine left my partner frustrated. One vicious cycle.
We have gotten out of that crazy loop, and boy am I glad? Somehow we stuck it through and realised we both had work to do. Sometimes someone that loves you will uncover some ugly parts of you and you have to be OK with that. It’s painful, grueling but in the end you come out a better version of you. Iron sharpens iron?
I leave you with this excerpt of a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert
P.s. An old post on soulmates
p.p.s Sorry I’ve been away so long… you know life? Hope all is well