Love, Musings

Tough

December 4, 2013
Three weeks ago it was our anniversary and the Thursday night before, I had a conversation with my friend Simi – big shout out to her by the way, she’s really special. It went thus:

Me: It’s our(my partner and I) anniversary tomorrow, 2years.
Simi: Oh wow,  it’s been two years already? How has it been?
Me: Tough
Simi: Oh, errr is that good?
Me: Yes, very good, in a weird way

Tough is probably not the most romantic way to describe a relationship but I was just being honest. It was one of those moments where I really considered the question and thought about it before I answered. My answer surprised even me, but as I’ve thought more about it, I’m sticking to it. Tough.

Before
Some background is necessary here. In the past I’ve always been the “good” person (well except for that one time where I really fucked up). So yeah, I’ve always been the good girlfriend, playing my role, being supportive or whatever was needed. As a result I was always being apologized to, always doing the forgiving. And I should add that for those relationships, this worked.

Temperament
I can be a pacifist. I detest confrontations and conflict and I’ll shy away from it as long as I can. Of course this isn’t always a good thing. Can lead to passive-aggressiveness, bottling up issues that need to be discussed and giving one a false sense of righteousness. So while this had previously been OK in my past relationship, it was a disaster for this one

Fighting Fair.
I never learnt how to fight fair, because I was so used to avoiding confrontations, when they did roll around, I shut everything out. Picture this:

Him: Sabirah, you really shouldn’t have done that, it made me feel… and…. and…. I would prefer… in the future.
Me: OK, Sorry.
The end.

To me “Sorry” was the balm that fixed all, it made all the fighting stop (not really). Sorry allowed me to close up the topic and move on (or brood). I would feel I had done my part and expect all the negative energy to float away… and when they didn’t I would pout. Bring on Fight round two…

It just seemed like we were always fighting. A few times I found myself wondering, “…maybe we just aren’t meant for each other, is it really supposed to be this difficult?” I would cry and still not open up which I can imagine left my partner frustrated. One vicious cycle.

Now
We have gotten out of that crazy loop, and boy am I glad? Somehow we stuck it through and realised we both had work to do. Sometimes someone that loves you will uncover some ugly parts of you and you have to be OK with that. It’s painful, grueling but in the end you come out a better version of you. Iron sharpens iron?

I leave you with this excerpt of a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life…”

P.s. An old post on soulmates
p.p.s Sorry I’ve been away so long… you know life? Hope all is well

Happy Holidays!
Love, Sab.

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7 Comments

  • Reply Anna Evi-Parker December 4, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Oh, that quote is just spot on. And yes, tough is good. “If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you..” This statement is true even for relationships, romantic or otherwise.

  • Reply jade o December 4, 2013 at 6:34 pm

    “Sometimes someone that loves you will uncover some ugly parts of you and you have to be OK with that”- haven’t heard wiser words in a while.

    Well said Sabirah!

  • Reply Anonymous December 5, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Currently single but this resonated with me a lot. Things just dont affect me the way people expect. Cheat on me and I go ‘Oh okay, you probably shouldnt do that again.’ the end. I guess it must have driven them crazy. I’m working on that now sha. Sometimes I have to pretend to be hurt so that apologies can be given and we can grow.

  • Reply Anonymous December 5, 2013 at 11:15 am

    mine was 3years yday n “tough” is d perfect word. we r learning n growing everyday.
    i love that quote 😀

  • Reply Sugar December 5, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Tough.

    I love that word.

    A few days ago, someone tweeted at my partner describing our love as beautiful and perfect. I burst out laughing.

    The hardwork that we put into it? Legit, conscious hardwork. We’ve had to deal with fears, impatience, anger, unforgiveness…

    My God. Tough is the perfect word. As tough as ishan – Ishan that you never want to let go.

    I wish your relationship success. May your love grow deeper and stronger. Bless.

  • Reply taynement December 5, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    happy anniversary ( I remember saying this last year) hope i get to say more and more. God willing.

  • Reply Anna Kovie Evi-Parker May 3, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    I had to come back to read this again today… I’m not sure how I stumbled into it now but I’m soooo glad I did. Now, more than ever, I’m super glad I read this. Thaank you, Sab.

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