Grief & Death.
I don’t know how to react. In real life. See when someone dies on screen the tears gush uncontrollably. But right now? I’m not sure what to do. How to mourn. Maybe it’s the circumstance, maybe it’s the person but there’s this unease I can’t describe.
On Sunday morning my (maternal) grandfather took his last breath. It wasn’t a surprise, he had been battling with cancer for a while now and the general feeling was relief. He would no longer be in pain, the cancer had reduced him to a shell of himself, unable to eat, walk and in the final days even talk.
I don’t know how to react. I want to cry, to feel the pain, but there is none. Only an unease that grandpa is no more. I cannot force myself into sadness, I have no way to unpack this grief and for the first time ever I’m unfeeling.
Maybe because He has lived a good life. 82. A fulfilled life. Maybe it was time to go. I’m writing because I’m trying to make sense of it, but I’m afraid that even this isn’t enough.
Perhaps it’s best to focus on memories and replay them over. My favourites, reading together. Drinking tea. I don’t know.
This is all I have.
I love you grandpa, and I’m glad I told you every chance I got.
Rest in Peace.