Girl Talk

November 13, 2012
(fine, boys you can stay too)

The other day I was thinking of how important it is to be able to talk about sex on a real level with other girls/women. I think it’s essential to have that one person/people that you can talk to freely whether you are having sex or not, maybe you’re curious, you’re considering it soon, “saving” it till your wedding night or celibate. It’s nice to have someone you can ask questions whether or not they have answers or just voice out your concerns without judgement. While reading cosmo might answer some questions, I’ve found that most of the information there is… well fluff.

A bit of background; as close as I am to my mother, sex wasn’t just the kind of topic we got into. I think I was about 10 years old when I first got the whole “sex is for grown ups” talk. The next one happened when I got my period, I think I was about 12, the short version was “you are now a big girl, if a boy touches you, you can have a baby”. And I was like ugh, this is all so gross and why would I let a boy touch me anyways.

Lot’s of things I didn’t know. 

  1. That this “touching” was sex
  2. That I would develop a “desire” to be “touched”
  3. That people enjoyed the “touching”

So fast forward to senior secondary school, the rumors and stories were flying around, “bad girls” were letting boys touch them. I really couldn’t understand why girls would get into so much trouble just for that in my head they were stupid. Let me be clear though, I was talking to boys and all but it was more of just enjoying attention than anything else.

My first “real talk” about sex was with my uncle’s wife, I was about 14 and was on her bridal train. On the night before the wedding my friend and I were in her room and she was packing her honeymoon suitcase. She started showing us all her lingerie etc and I was so embarrassed and flustered, so she told us (my friend and  I) that she and my uncle were going to have sex and enjoy it O_O, showed us her edible panties etc and I was just like woooah. Fun night, she is still my favorite aunt.

Then college came around, I honestly can’t remember exactly when but all of a sudden I was interested in boys in a different kind if way, of course by now I knew (what I thought was a lot) about sex and I had a boyfriend and I wanted to talk about it with him all the time (hahaha thank God we were long distance). I had all these questions and I was so lucky to have friends, my ( understanding albeit frustrated) boyfriend and the above aunt to have real talk with.

These conversations shaped a lot of my thoughts on sex and physical intimacy and made me really confident about the choices I made concerning my body. I think it’s so important for ladies to have spaces where we can have open conversations like these, without discriminating against the sexually active, virgin, re-virginated (lol this always makes me giggle)/celibate and so on. No matter where you stand on that scale you deserve to have people you can trust enough to ask what you want/need to know

So questions for you; How did you find out about sex, who did you ask? What were your sources of information? What do you wish you had known earlier? Still have doubts and questions?

I know this is kind of a different topic for this blog but I usually write as it comes so…

As always, Love.

p.s feel free to share and comment, would be nice to get a conversation going.

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  • Reply moyin :) November 14, 2012 at 12:24 am

    LOL, I also got the ‘if a boy touches you, you’ll get pregnant’ line when I started my period. I first learnt about sex maybe when I was like nine or ten from reading some book in my dad’s library, it was very explicit. I didn’t ask anyone, I still have never asked anyone about any questions I’ve had about sex, I’ve always gone to google for my answers. It’s worked so far.
    Like you, I wish I had known that a time would come when I’d want to be touched in some way by a boy, or even what good kissing should actually feel like.
    I think there are people I can ask about these things in my life- my cousins, my mentor, but I just have never been bothered to ask them.
    I think it’s something female friends should be able to talk about freely with each other. Thanks for bringing this topic up!

    • Reply Sabirah November 14, 2012 at 3:14 pm

      LOL @ google, google is so weird, how do you search? lol
      you’re welcome! thanks for adding your voice to the convo

  • Reply Tobiloba November 14, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    No one told me about sex, I started reading romance novels in secondary school, that’s where I knew about sex, even till now my mum just wants to know if I’m a virgin or not. Though I have this aunty that maybe if I was closer to her we will be having such conversations. Even among my friends its very uncommon to talk about it and half the time I bring up such topics they always shy away from it. Maybe I will be better for it if my mum discussed it with us maybe not I won’t know now, but in a way I’m thankful for my romance novels at least I didn’t go to porn to learn.
    Too many doubts sometimes if I made a right decision about my sexuality, I always wish I had people to talk to that don’t judge my decisions too.

    • Reply Sabirah November 14, 2012 at 3:13 pm

      I know what you mean, it’s hard for girls (especially growing up in Nigeria) to open up about things like that, but you could possibly start to create that relationship with your aaunt where you can feel that comfortable, never too late :).

  • Reply LohiO November 14, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    I grew up outside Nigeria so sex Ed was a part of my curriculum I think at about 10. Then when I got my period at 14(late bloomer) my mum spoke to me about sex and intimacy in a very candid way. At this point I sorta knew about it already from watching tv shows and reading books and even my aunts cosmos!!! Although I thought I had enough information, I really didn’t. I wish someone had had a candid talk wi me on the emotional aspects of sex. All we got was the physical and pregnancy being the outcome and how that was bad bad bad!!! No one discussed the emotional part of it….I wish I had learned that. No more doubts thankfully!!! I speak about sex now with my BFF,bestie, sister and my boyfriend. 🙂

    • Reply Sabirah November 14, 2012 at 3:11 pm

      I so agree with you! even the sex-ed we got taught in Nigeria was mostly “Get pregnant and you will die, Have sex and you will get AIDS and die” variety. I really wished they had told us the emotional part.
      Thanks for sharing!

  • Reply cosmicyoruba November 14, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    I got the “do you know what sex is? well don’t have it before you get married” sentence. Ugh. Sex talk is too important, now I talk about sex all the time and with most of my friends. Not with family though, they tend to act like puritans.

    • Reply Sabirah November 15, 2012 at 7:05 am

      I wish parents and educators realized how important it is!
      Thanks for stopping by!

  • Reply Taynement November 15, 2012 at 1:34 am

    I got no talk about sex. I was a curious child so it was a combination of the books i was told not to read ( I remember wondering why this one chick was so happy to be spanked when the book was saying she had red welts. I get it now :p), tv and housegirl/drivers conversation. I honestly don’t think I had a full grasp of my sexuality (and the power and vulnerability) that comes with it especially as a woman till after college. Like Lohi said, I think people think the sex talk is all about the act itself but the things surrounding it and the responsibilities that come with it are things to be discussed. Very important.

    PS and in this day and age it should also involve being tolerant of others’ sexual orientation.

    • Reply Sabirah November 15, 2012 at 7:06 am

      Yessss!! at your last statement! Thank you!
      And thanks for mentioning about the power and vulnerability! big part!

  • Reply Bimbo F November 15, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    This is really nice and yes, the bit about having a forum where ladies can have a discussion about it without being discriminated against is a good idea. “You’ll get pregnant if a boy touches you”, some funny thing to say but that was what i was told. I must have heard about sex from classmates, i guess. Nice one Sabirah. Keep it up. I always look forward to reading from here. Been a while tho’ but i’m glad have read this.

  • Reply Dragonfly November 18, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    if you have sex you will get pregnant and die!!!!
    My ‘parents’ (adult authority figures) still haven’t had the sex talk with me. I’m 22. It’s a bit hilarious. I learned about the whole shibang from ‘romance’ (*ahem* explicit erotica)hidden between bookshelves in our old house.
    My current source of information is my bffl Dan Savage on the Stranger Savage Lovecast 🙂
    I have really open relationships with most of my girl friends and have no qualms talking about sex. What I’d really like to delve into is sexuality and faith and I don’t have many friends with whom I share the same faith and am close enough to to be blatant about sex and sexuality.

  • Reply Anonymous November 24, 2012 at 8:15 am

    i got the same talk, everybody else got when they got their period. yes i do have friends that i talk to about sex and feeling and all that. has helped a lot
    ps your an amazing person Sab!

  • Reply Ada February 9, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    No one told me, I still don’t know…what is sex? LOL

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